Looking a few years back, I realize I went into about a one month depression for being heartbroken and feeling “abandoned”. Going through divorce at 24 was not what I had envisioned at the time. I felt so much pain: I just wanted my body to be numb and to not be able to feel. It was the first time I experienced a deep sensation of “feeling alone”. However, I was very fortunate for having so much support from friends and family, as well as my yoga practice and PhD, which helped me feel focused and with purpose.

Honestly, the only moment I felt strong was on the mat. And little by little that strength began to show outside of it too. I started to feel confident again (although not always). I tried to set time aside for myself to do things that felt good. I decided to say “yes” to things I might not have before. And slowly but surely, I began to heal.

And then it happened, way before I had anticipated: I fell in love with someone. And although part of me was terrified and scared of “being abandoned” and feeling pain again, I consciously decided that that would not stop me. I’ll begin by stating that not everything has been easy for me in this healing journey: I’ve had to convince myself to say “yes” multiple times and to ignore my little dark thoughts and insecurities. And often it is not easy. I would ask myself: “What do I really want? Where is this thought coming from: a place of love or a place of fear?”. If it was from a place of fear or insecurity: I would toss it out. And I can tell you: it can be done.

Being in relationship has been the best thing that could’ve happened to me. It triggered things that otherwise would’ve been impossible: it allowed me to see what needed to heal and what was going on within. I was very fortunate to be with someone (which I’m now married to) that would hold space for me and would listen to what went through my little head. There were bumps, of course. And I had days I would spiral down. It is definitely not linear, and that is ok. I think one needs to know that “there will be bad days” and make peace with that.

I’ve learned that being vulnerable and honest about what you want and need (with tons of kindness!) is a very powerful antidote. And I can tell you, in case you ever doubt it: you are so so so valuable and you deserve love in whichever expression you desire.

If this story resonates with you, and you feel like you need a little guidance: I recently found a very nice self-help course by Rising woman called “becoming the one” (not sponsored). I finished it a few weeks ago and, I can’t stop recommending it to friends who have been through relationship trauma (big or small). Personally, it has helped me validate my own journey since many of the things they share, I (fortunately) already practice myself to open up to love.

Sending you lots of hugs!

xx

Irene